It's been a year since I've written in this journal. There has been a lot going on in my life. I wish I could say that was my excuse for not drawing, but it's not. More like a fear, a fear of what everyone else will think, and not that I should care about that, it's completely different. It's a fear of how well it looks. Ive been ruined in my own head that there are so many more better artists than myself that my work isn't worth putting on the internet. You think I shouldn't care right? Well it's true I shouldn't, but the years of surfing the net and people I've come to known have ruined it for me. With my own low self-esteem in my own work and people saying stupid shit to me it just scares me into not sitting down and doing my thing. It's going to take me awhile to get over this, but I am working on changing this quality about myself. Until then do not give me any shit about this. Choose very wisely about what you say to me because at this point I have had it up to my eyeballs with shit and people with their personalities. If I upload anything I would like my art to be taken seriously. If you can't be mature about it then do not say anything at all. I would rather see no comments than stupid shit a ten year old would write.

I still exsist, just been having alot of stress going on. Ironicly if I try to get away from chaos, it still follows me. I think I should give it up and let Chaos win. Yeah. Issues with friends, work, money, cars, time, lonliness. I think way too much for my own good. Its been fun...not really I completely lied.

I had a fit again and depleted my gallery again. Don't worry I threw it into scraps if any even enjoyed them. Notice I have this thing with hating my own work? Yeah I'm cool like that. I think I can draw again without having a block, so you might see something from me, maybe? I also want to try and ink some of the stuff I make, so hopefully maybe i'll get better at it or something of that measure.

Thomas and I do plan on making a comic. Part of me is scared on that, that's why I haven't worked on anything. I'm too afraid of my own work sucking so much. I grew such a horrible conscience, I hate myself for it. I don't know, we'll see. We've been juggling ideas in the air as to what kind of comic we want to make. First it was everyday life about us and our odd friends. Then I wanted to make a WoW comic. then it went back to us, and now its the idea of a fantasy comic of a world that's been festering in my head for years. If you guys have any suggestions please throw them out there.



.::The loves of my life::.



::CLubs::

So the last time I wrote a journal alot of stuff happened. I shall regail on some of them.

I now officially live in the 757 or VA beach. It didnt seem real at first, but things are starting to become regular. Some things have been alittle stressful, but im sure it will smooth out hopefully. I will be going to the DMV tomorrow, which I might add is scarier than the NY DMV. If your not there early Your standing there like a mindless zombie foreverrrrr. Seriously they all looked like Zombies. I guess you cant blame them.

As Thomas already said before were eventually going to start a comic. Its kind of my fault really as I havent really drawn anything spectacular, not to mention I am my own worst critic when it comes to my work. eh.


.::The loves of my life::.



::CLubs::

So i've just about had it with every single god damn thing. Nothing seems real anymore. All I hear in my head is " Are you even sure youre experienceing this?"
The past few days I wake up thinking 'Youre still here, in this same place.'
There is no magnitude in how I could explain what I'm feeling, but a great deal of it is why am I not in college or doing something fucking progressive with my fucking life. (and honestly with people that have an opinion about the college thing do not even get me started. You try living the way I have and you tell me if it was any at all easy)

But I do know what I want to do, I want to leave this horrid place called New York.It holds nothing but bad memories, a past i'd like to forget. It just seems like leaving is taking so long and as each day passes, I grow more and more weary of it happening.

You should learn that I'm not that sweet naive girl I once was,and am probably more vicious an bitter than you'd like to believe.

and a few strong facts that should be dealt with. MY mother is a fucking bipolar cunt that has done nothing but made me feel miserable since the day I was forced to move back home. Most of my relatives are worthless and I dont even consider them family so they have absolutely no opinions whatsoever on my life. I dont care about being blunt anymore, you probably deserved it.

The only one that has been there with my short of going insane is Thomas, and it literally kills me that I can't see him all the time. I love that boy more than you could even possibly know.and he has done more for me that you could ever hoped to have done.

To be honest, what triggered this off was my sister asking me when the fuck I was moving. Because she is getting tired of mom nagging and bitching. and the brutal truth its only like this when im around. I swear im an open wound to this whole thing, and I dont even care anymore. It seems like it was suppose to be drilled into my head that I never belonged to this family of lies and bad memories.


.::The loves of my life::.



::CLubs::